Justin Bieber Has a Penis – Allegedly

Could The Biebster really get someone that ugly pregnant?

Of course he could.

Why am I concerned about this???? I’m not sure really. I think it’s because the burden of proof shifts so unnaturally where celebrity is involved, and that pisses me off.

An age old game of cat and mouse, liar vs demi-god.

Does anyone really give a shit? Is it so unlikely that this innocent, yet clearly corruptable, wee floppy haired dancer just fancied his go in the jacks while his minders were in the dressing room tapping some fine young things themselves?

No, it’s not hugely unlikely.

justin bieber penis trouble

The vociferous outcry from his millions of adoring fans simply defies belief. HE’S 17 YEARS OLD!!!! Of course he fancies a go!! I can understand someone defending him, but to completely disregard the notion that…..

a) He has a fully functioning penis
b) He may be prone to an occasional “slip of the penis”

…..is a little blinkered.

These are facts (some preceded with “probably”, and therefore maybe not facts – in fact, probably just lies):

1: He probably doesn’t even get enough “me time” to, eh, you know…..

2: His “relationship” with that other poor girl, whatever her name is, who’ll never have a normal life having been exposed to the cruelties of celebrity way too early, is under so much scrutiny that they too probably never get any time together of any real value (I mean sex).

3: If you’re famous, girls will throw themselves at you. Just ask Ryan Tubridy.

4: If girls throw themselves at you, and you’re 17, chances are one of them will slip through your safety net. Eventually. Possibly immediately.

5: He was probably locked drunk.

I don’t assume this girl (Yeater?) is telling the truth however – how many millions of similar “ladies” dream of having a Bieber baby (without much knowledge of what it involves). Out of 14 million, you’re certain to get at least 20 malicious bitches.

But it could have happened.

To draw a footballing comparison, Luis Suarez was accused of making racist remarks (repeatedly!) to Patrice Evra. Fans of both sides leapt, on the whole, to the defence of their hero.

Liverpool fans listed Evra’s previous unjustified use of the race-card, while Man U fans labelled Suarez a “biting racist diving rat”, of which at least three insults are untrue.

The difference between the two issues (besides football being interesting, important and worthwhile) is that both Man U and Liverpool have a massive fan base.

Nobody supports Ms Yeater. She doesn’t have millions of followers on the Tweet-Book Machine. She doesn’t make “music”. She doesn’t have adorable floppy hair.

If this is a case of her one shot of fame, an attempt to extort a few million from a lad who clearly had more than enough money already, then may she burn in hell.

If this is true, however, I hope and pray Bieber’s millions don’t simply make the issue disappear, leaving him free to continue dissolving children’s minds with his pointless and painful money-making pop machine. If he put his little wee-wee in a compromising position, did the job, legged it – then may he either man up and deal with it like a man should, or may he also burn in hell.

I wonder if we’ll ever know the truth. I wonder if Bieber will ever officially have sex.

I wonder if I’ll ever give a shit.

One Comment:

  1. justin drew bieber i am you soul mate!!!!!!!!!!! i wish you would come to roesrubg oregon to vist kyrstee jade weatherford i am your biggest fan ever you probley never will i just keep praying to god you will but i will keep hopeing i<3 you justin drew bieber<3

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