Instead of a single post for each email I’ve received and followed up, I think I’ll combine all my responses into this one, and only add the offending email addresses for anyone who’s considering actually giving these fuckers any details (please don’t!).
Fonejacker is funny – but clearly not enough people watch it.
You know the usual – “I have a shitload of cash in a container because a General in Sierra Leone got shot and we can share it” shit.
Tom Lambert (E-Millionaire) email@example.com
If you’ve fallen for this one, you probably don’t deserve your own money.
He claimed I’d won a prize, naturally, but I needed to send him $175 so my cheque could be posted. $175 to post a cheque??
Gayballs to that.
Mr Lethabo Bapela firstname.lastname@example.org
Too long an email to include, I really wasn’t arsed reading it all, but I’m owed $8.3million apparently. Not bad. I include this because he actually sent me his ID – enjoy!
email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org
This poor young lady needed my assistance, and, being only a man, I was naturally intrigued by this.
Her husband had died, and she was dying too, so she wanted to give a load of cash to charities, and naturally there are none near her, so the only option was to contact a complete stranger.
How could I resist?
That’s an awful story – how can I help? what charity would you like the funds to go to?
What would happen if I took the money, but instead of sending it to a charity, bought new cars, loads of drugs, a mansion and some prostitutes with it? Is that ok?
She replied something standard, which made it clear she never read my email. I was shocked and disgusted, so felt obliged to reinstate my wholesome plans:
I have an idea:
1.) 40% of these funds must go to a fund in my name, from which I may purchase 1 or 2 high-level luxury cars each year.
2.) 40% to other frivolous meandering pastimes of my discretion, such as prostitutes, 3D televisions for every room in my house, and a new house in which to put my brand new 3D televisions.
3.) 20% for my effort and time.
Is that ok?
Also, do you like football?? Once this goes through, I’d love to take you to see a match in the Aviva sometime – Ireland are playing qualifiers against Estonia, whatever that is, and I think it would be a great way for us to celebrate our new-found wealth. Together.
Let me know how high up the stadium your vertigo kicks in, and I’ll book seating accordingly.
Peace, Love, Rock n Roll, Custard Creams, Vegetables and kick ass drum and bass to you my friend,
She hasn’t replied yet, so I presume she dies in the interim. What a waste of money.
Private Email: email@example.com
Private Fax: +34 917 692 656
This fella, Alfonso Zapata, claimed to work for Banco Ing-Direct Madrid Spain – all one word???
He claimed also to be a low-level employee within the bank, but with access to €8.2 million, I suspect he somewhat underplayed his own importance in the institution. Bless him.
He hasn’t replied to me either, so I’m not feeling as wanted by the general internet community as I’d like.
Oh Hello friend!!
Zapata – just like that footballer who nearly signed for Liverpool from Udinese? I’m glad he didn’t, are you? He’s looked really pissy poor for Villareal this season. You must have seen him play a few times, being based in Madrid? Did you go see them when they played Getafe last week? 0-0 isn’t a bad result. You probably have tickets to see them at Real tomorrow, being a high-ranking bank official. I really am jealous!!
So, how do I get this money? I presume you’ll need my bank details at some stage? I don’t have a bank though, but I can give you the details of a bank near me. They always have money – I sometimes just watch people standing at the wall outside and they nearly always walk away with cash, in Euros. Loads of it. Sometimes, I fantasise about running out there and grabbing some of the cash right out of their hands, and then just running back into my little room underneath the church.
Anyway, let me know how we can proceed. I live under a church, and sometimes the parish priest turns off the free wi-fi, so it might be a day or two before he needs it again (if you know what I mean!!!).
Great to hear from you Alfonso, and enjoy the match tomorrow night.
Regards and jealousies,
Jeremy P Kniesses Kelly. AmD.